When do you end it?

I’ve had this question linger in my head for the longest time and I’ve thought of so many ways to end it without anyone knowing I actually did end myself. For me, the lights went off a long time ago, so long I can’t even remember. Trust me when I say I tried switching it back on, oh I really did, at a point in my life, that was the only thing I wanted to do “switch the light back on” but for every time a glimpse of light came, darkness than the last overwhelms it. And so I stopped trying.

Honestly, I don’t even know who I am or how I am still here, but I do know a part of me if not the whole of me, is broken beyond repair. I’ve got so many emotions I can’t even begin to explain, bottled up in me, there’s so much pain and rage that I’ve let consume me and no matter how I try to lock them away, they always find their way back, more aggressive and overpowering, they’re just my demons that I can’t seem to conquer. And most times, I feel the only way out is the final exit, the dead end for me, where I don’t get to feel the anger or the rage, where I don’t need to put up a face and smile when all I want to do is crumble to the ground and stay there till I feel my feet again, where I don’t need to hold back the tears and where I don’t need to feel lonely or hate myself. And so I ask myself again, when do you end it?.